Yesterday, we had a fight. One of those fights that we’ve never had, the kind of fight when you feel that your heart will break if you lose the first round.
We managed to talk it out in the end and I went to the toilets. Have you ever experienced the release after you needed to pee very badly ? It’s this joy that clears your mind. This time, it brought me to a revelation.
All of this was about expectations.
I have too high expectations towards myself & others. It’s not that no one had ever told me that before. Somehow, I knew. But I wasn’t ready to establish myself in that knowledge, not ready to make it mine and to act upon it.
My boyfriend ? Well, he has a very hard time having people expecting from him.
And, because the Universe knows exactly what we have to work on, we met.
We thought we would be able to get around it by setting a free relationship rule. But we had forgotten about the business side. And here were expectations catching up with us, leading to our threatened egos getting ready for war.
I realized I’m living such a silly life. Those expectations are not even mine. They’re fed by everything I witness day after day and by where I think I want to go when the only thing I should focus on is enabling myself.
It’s like saying « I wanna do those 10 kms in 50 minutes ». You shouldn’t even think about that. Just work on your legs and on your lungs. And maybe you’ll even do them in 45 minutes. It’s the famous « Practice and the rest will come » in yoga.
Our relationship is a wonderful one until expectations come between us. Then, I’m not meeting him where he currently stands anymore. I’m meeting him where I want him to be. I’m not loving a reality anymore, I’m loving the idea of someone. I’m falling in love with my own expectations all over again.
I know expectations give me a sense of security. They give the certainty something will happen as I’ve imagined it and it makes me feel safe.
I’m swimming in my expectations, judging instead of understanding, lacking love for myself & for others.
In fact, yesterday I realized I’ve been wrong the whole time. I don’t have to work on my impatience. I have to work on my expectations. Because where there are no expectations to be fulfilled, no patience is required.
Practice and the rest will come.
Enjoy that space between where you stand now and where you want to be. And be able to enjoy that space in others too. Be the person they can go to when they fall off their inner work, knowing they will be understood, not judged.
I’m so grateful for the fight we had yesterday, grateful for the Universe, grateful for the Spring. Change and renewal is now. Practice and the rest will come.